It happened a long time ago. I was in college. It was my freshman year. I was young but I knew what and who I wanted. I wanted DM. I was a little intoxicated trying to release my feelings I had for him but I did put it out there drunkily. I never heard from him again. I would hear from him every so often but not as much as I talk to him now. Mistake? However, nothing was brought to light about what I said to him that night, instead, it was just put out there and no action was taken.

Now, two years later. I am a junior in college. With an even more clearly drawn path of who and what I want. I was on Facebook and he was online. I decided to hit him up and say hey and make an attempt to catch up on things. We did just that. We stopped texting and talking for like a couple days and I texted again and found out that he was coming to Clarion for a night. I got excited but past situations put me in a state of worry and made me slightly nauseated. As much as I want to take back my past with AG, I can’t but instead I can learn and grow from it. It is so hard. It was a hard situation to deal with/recover from. Anyway, I went to see DM that night at the Chapel in Clarion. It was the first time we both had seen each other and it as amazing for me but I was not sure if it as the same for him. I hate unsure factor, however, I’m so used it but I hate it so much. Moreover, the night was good but was interrupted by AG and AF. I’m guessing, there was some background connected with AG, AF, and DM, that I did not know about because it was very uncomfortable for me but I managed to get through it because of DM. I was there for him. I tried to avoid AG at all costs and was slightly successful. So ever since that night, DM and I had been talking almost every day just about with a few days I had not heard from him.

Further, I am laying down in my bed thinking hardcore about DM and wondering why he hadn’t called me back like he said he would. How could someone be so forgetful about someone they want to be with? I’m thinking about calling him and I probably will, but it would be a waste of my time to be honest. I feel so much but I feel so much heartbreak, disappointment, confusion, frustration, anger and so much more.

I am feeling so much better now than I was a few months ago! It is a good feeling now that he is gone!

Why would I be so stupid to even think that someone I used to talk to a LONG time go, I would even have a chance with? I’m not fully healed from the guy I was dealing with back in June…the other guy I met and just stopped talking to…and now this one pops up out of nowhere and starts talking to me? This is my fault for feeling this way. I know I have no chance and he alread has someone that he has in mind to please :( I’m just trying to accept the fact that I’m not ready to talk to another guy right now :( It may be a while until I am able to fully talk to someone else. I should not have gave my number out to him so fast but I still have time to not show any attention. It is what it is I guess. Plus, it’s not like he has interest in me anyway. I’m starting to think that my guy is not out there for me. Maybe I’m wrong?

Ever since Tuesday of this week, I’ve been on edge about this! For myself and the guy I’m talking to :( I know that everything will be alright but still the feeling brings me down lower. I am trying to keep my head up and let it not affect me or my significant other. God will not have put us through this if he knew we could not handle it so he knows we can handle it. I know that he is watching over the both of us and he will make sure that we are taken care of. But I have to tell you that it is a scary feeling.

As I was on my way down to 30th Street Station, I was just thinking about everything I did while I was in Philly…the beginning of the trip was hard for me..VERY HARD…but the end was a BLAST! I was thinking about how me and this person would be everywhere or we drove pass this and it would make me feel good :) but now they are not with me and with someone else :( I hope he is happy though, that’s all I want to wish for him :) I’m on my way back to school now…bittersweet feeling/emotion but I know school will be fun and I will be alright :) #positivity

So I’m trying my hardest to make this day a good one because I don’t like having bad days…I feel that life is too short to have bad days (though I know this is going to be hard to avoid in life lol) Also, so many negative things are happening that I’m trying to stay positive about everything. It is really hard but I’m trying to keep my faith in God and keep my strength in tact. #patience

I saw that this morning and questioned it. I thought to myself after listening to a friend last night that why should I care? You didn’t think twice before you did that so why should I think twice about wondering why? “Everything happens for a reason”

This morning, I was over one of my best friends house until about almost 3am. I was on Facebook on my laptop. I was reading through my news feed and I read this one status by one of my friends. It said “You will never be free until you learn to be yourself.” After I read that status, I just immediately had this overwhelming feeling to let everything that has happened, to just let it go. I have been struggling for some time to let this person go. I let him go from my life but not my heart. Even if I never see him again, I wish him nothing but positivity. Moreover, I feel great and I feel like myself again. I haven’t had this feeling in a while but it feels good to have that natural smile that I always showed every day of the week. I don’t feel depressed about anything as of now. I feel as though I have nothing to worry about. This was a good day and I continue to have good days from here on out. The feeling is good for now. Every day I grow and remain to grow stronger, I don’t doubt anything about myself or anything that I do because I know what I’m capable of. Stronger with Each Tear!